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you think you're chocolate

when you're chewing gum

2006-02-21

Today and the thoughts it triggers

I've been blogging too much. Goodness.

But cool stuff has happened so...time to hit those keys eh! I CANNOT believe Goi is working at my place now, on the same level, albeit different departments but still! I get to take a peek whenever I have my toilet breaks, which are pretty often.

And today I met Amanda during lunchbreak! Was stuffing tutu kueh in my mouth when someone tapped me on the shoulders. Haha. I'm glad she's happy where she's at but she made me think about what I'm doing now in my life. She's happy with her job but wants something more challenging and refuses to remain stagnant, so she's gonna be an art teacher! And it made me think like, what am I doing with my life exactly? I must put myself out there, do what I've always been dreaming of doing, and not be contented with what I'm doing now just because it has some sort of (very juvenile way of thinking) financial security. Right?

At the same time, I wanna save up enough money first before I quit this. To be realistic. Right? Because at this moment, I have nada, zilch! (The exact amount is confidential. Haha.)

Even though youth is all about enjoying yourself, throwing caution to the wind, to just love and to live, these holidays have certainly made me rethink my 'monetary mindset'. For me, it's like who cares money's just paper. SPEND when you can, cos you can't bring it with you when you cross over to the other side. And I like to just spend without thinking so much, it's all about making myself happy. Right?

But. But. When your parents cut you off financially. When you're broke and begging and you're not exactly a nun (who's totally disengaged from the secular lifestyle), then you know. Money is paper with POWER. *nods head vigorously*

Okay. Stop there. I didn't intend this to be a post about money. I don't know how we got here. It's supposed to be about LIFE! So yeah, sorry for the digression (unless of course you think money is life, which when you're utterly broke, it makes absoulute sense).

Yeah, so anyway, once I've attained some form of financial stability, I shall do what I like:) Take scuba diving lessons, photography and the likes. BUT. When it comes to academics, and The Future Life Plan, I am utterly and frighteningly lost. I have too many interests but I wanna DO something with my life, I just don't know what yet. I guess God has to show me the way. I don't know what I'm looking for now. And I really envy those that at least have some sort of picture in their heads, because I can't really see myself doing anything particularly. I wonder if that's bad:(

I just know I have to take lit or I'll just die. I want to spend some time overseas, not on scholarship or anything, a holiday maybe? I want to have some experiences to remember by, not just wasting my days lamenting, wishing I were not infront of the computer at the office, consoling myself that I have to obtain some sort of financial independence. Haha.

I'm envious of people going for scholarships and attachments and whatever. I really do not have such aspirations, I just want to at least have a direction/purpose, whatever that is. Something to drive me and make me whole (?).

Maybe the best part of youth is the lack of direction, to freedom to wander, because you can afford to.

I've always liked open-endedness


(yeah the lack of a fullstop was just me trying to act clever, so you know)

Yux chewed at 9:03 p.m.

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